Brandy's Kale Orgasmic Soup

I LOVE kale. More than most people love their children. Kale is like my life force- it helps me overcome every obstacle in life, be it fighting a cold or fighting ninjas. So, you see, I try and incorporate kale into my diet in every way possible. Last night, my stomach was a little weird and all I wanted to eat was soup- and I knew kale would make me feel better because it's my hero, so I decided to make up a soup recipe. I high fived myself after I tried it. Then I kissed the mirror. That was just because I thought I looked really pretty. So-please, make this recipe even if you think you don't like kale. Because you're wrong. And also, dead to me if you think that way.

Serves 4-6 (I'm eating all of it by myself)

2 tbls olive oil
1 large leek, sliced thin and washed well
1 carrot, diced
2 celery stalks, sliced thin
1 Large bunch of kale, chopped roughly and washed
2 yukon gold potatoes, washed and chopped, keep the skin on
1 15 oz can cannelini beans
2 32 oz boxes of vegetable stock, (I used one and a half)
3 cups of water
1 tbls heavy cream
salt and pepper

Saute leeks and evoo on medium in a large pot until leeks are nice and tender, about 8 minutes. Add in carrots and celery and season with salt and pepper. Let those get tender, about 5-7 minutes. Add in vegetable broth and water and bring to a boil. Then simmer for about 20 minutes uncovered. Then, add in the kale, beans and potatoes, season with salt and pepper, and let simmer uncovered for about 20-25 minutes. Can go longer if you want. Once everything is super fucking delicious, turn the heat way down and add in a tbls of heavy cream. Stir, orgasm, then ladle it into a bowl and eat it. Or just stick your head in the pot. Then orgasm again. At least that's how my night with the soup went.

You're welcome.
 

Peanut Butter and Banana Smooooothie

                              

Hello people who like good recipes. It's me. Brandy. The one who likes to eat good food and then write about it. I'm gonna try to get back to posting because I like to feel important. 

So- this recipe is so fucking delicious and healthy, and this is coming from someone who doesn't even like bananas. Well, I like their shape, but I don't like their texture all that much. But, bananas are a great source of potassium and blah blah blah who cares. This is a great breakfast on the go, or a great snack pre or post workout. So, make it. Or may God have mercy on your soul.

Serves 1. (1 lonely person. 1 person all alone. 1 totally alone person.) 
Ingredients:
1 frozen banana (pre-cut the banana, then wrap in foil and stick in the freezer)
1/2 cup almond milk or however much you like. I like thick smoothies
1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
1 tbls peanut butter
2 tbls ground flax seeds
2-3 ice cubes

Put all of the ingredients into the blender. Turn it on. Wonder why your blender sucks. Stand there and pulse it. Turn it back to blend. Watch it do nothing. Stick your spoon in there to mash stuff around and end up hitting the blades and scaring the shit out of yourself at 7:30 in the morning. Add blender to your Christmas list of things you want from your parents. It's finally done. Pour the thick goodness into a glass. Enjoy.