Brandy's Kale Orgasmic Soup

I LOVE kale. More than most people love their children. Kale is like my life force- it helps me overcome every obstacle in life, be it fighting a cold or fighting ninjas. So, you see, I try and incorporate kale into my diet in every way possible. Last night, my stomach was a little weird and all I wanted to eat was soup- and I knew kale would make me feel better because it's my hero, so I decided to make up a soup recipe. I high fived myself after I tried it. Then I kissed the mirror. That was just because I thought I looked really pretty. So-please, make this recipe even if you think you don't like kale. Because you're wrong. And also, dead to me if you think that way.

Serves 4-6 (I'm eating all of it by myself)

2 tbls olive oil
1 large leek, sliced thin and washed well
1 carrot, diced
2 celery stalks, sliced thin
1 Large bunch of kale, chopped roughly and washed
2 yukon gold potatoes, washed and chopped, keep the skin on
1 15 oz can cannelini beans
2 32 oz boxes of vegetable stock, (I used one and a half)
3 cups of water
1 tbls heavy cream
salt and pepper

Saute leeks and evoo on medium in a large pot until leeks are nice and tender, about 8 minutes. Add in carrots and celery and season with salt and pepper. Let those get tender, about 5-7 minutes. Add in vegetable broth and water and bring to a boil. Then simmer for about 20 minutes uncovered. Then, add in the kale, beans and potatoes, season with salt and pepper, and let simmer uncovered for about 20-25 minutes. Can go longer if you want. Once everything is super fucking delicious, turn the heat way down and add in a tbls of heavy cream. Stir, orgasm, then ladle it into a bowl and eat it. Or just stick your head in the pot. Then orgasm again. At least that's how my night with the soup went.

You're welcome.
 

Peanut Butter and Banana Smooooothie

                              

Hello people who like good recipes. It's me. Brandy. The one who likes to eat good food and then write about it. I'm gonna try to get back to posting because I like to feel important. 

So- this recipe is so fucking delicious and healthy, and this is coming from someone who doesn't even like bananas. Well, I like their shape, but I don't like their texture all that much. But, bananas are a great source of potassium and blah blah blah who cares. This is a great breakfast on the go, or a great snack pre or post workout. So, make it. Or may God have mercy on your soul.

Serves 1. (1 lonely person. 1 person all alone. 1 totally alone person.) 
Ingredients:
1 frozen banana (pre-cut the banana, then wrap in foil and stick in the freezer)
1/2 cup almond milk or however much you like. I like thick smoothies
1/2 cup plain greek yogurt
1 tbls peanut butter
2 tbls ground flax seeds
2-3 ice cubes

Put all of the ingredients into the blender. Turn it on. Wonder why your blender sucks. Stand there and pulse it. Turn it back to blend. Watch it do nothing. Stick your spoon in there to mash stuff around and end up hitting the blades and scaring the shit out of yourself at 7:30 in the morning. Add blender to your Christmas list of things you want from your parents. It's finally done. Pour the thick goodness into a glass. Enjoy.

Mexican Mess

I know, I know. It's been 14 years since I've posted. But.... I made something last night and I couldn't stop mouthgasming, so I decided I needed to share this recipe. It's pretty similar to one I already have on here- but so so so so good. And so so so good for you, just like an actual orgasm.

I live alone and eat by myself because I'm an independent woman who don't need no man, so this recipe will serve one really hungry person, which I always am, or maybe 2 people. I don't know- I tried to save half for a scramble this morning and then I laughed at that thought as I scraped the bottom of the pan to get the last morsel into my gigantic mouth. So double the recipe just to have leftovers or something to eat when you wake up hungry at 2am.

Ingredients:
1 carrot- chopped
1/2 small onion- diced
1/2 zuchinni- sliced into half moons
1/2 bell pepper- any color (don't be a racist)- sliced
2 cups kale, chopped 
1/2 cup cooked quinoa or black beans
1 wedge laughing cow cheese, chipotle and queso flavor
1 small red potato
4 tbls salsa
1 tbls cumin
1 tsp chili powder
salt & pepper and salt 'n peppa's 'push it'
2 tbls evoo

Pre-heat your oven to 450. Do it. Now. Please don't argue with me. Then, throw all the vegetables onto a pan and toss with evoo, salt, pepper, cumin and chili powder. Spread them out so they cook evenly and because spreading them out sounds dirty. Roast for about 12 minutes, then flip them around to show them who's boss, and roast for another 8 minutes or so until they're nice and golden. Meanwhile, take the chopped kale and put in a pan, add a tiny bit of water, cover, and steam on medium high until nice and wilted. Season with salt and pepa. Then, once the veggies are done, mix them into the pan with the kale and add your cooked quinoa. Pour the salsa on top, and mix them around while you sing. Singing makes everything better. Then, add the wedge of the laughing cow cheese, stir it all around until it's nice and melted.. look at what you just made, high five your dog (or yourself), and try and get the food to the plate before you finish it. It's hard, I know. (that's what she said. hehehehe).


Enjoy!

Nutrition Health Benefits: by Jillian Mckee

Hey Food people. So a woman named Jillian Mckee emailed me recently telling me she loved the blog and wanted to share some nutritional health benefits with my readers. I know I haven't written anything for you to read in awhile because I'm lazy- but here is something to read!

Enjoy!

 

Nutrition for Fighting Cancer

According to the National Cancer Institute, one third of all cancers may be connected to diet. Many foods in your local grocery store possess potent cancer fighting compounds. These range from antioxidants, which neutralize the damage caused by free radicals, to strong phytochemicals that are only now being heavily researched.

There is no one component to these foods that make them good for fighting cancer; it is best to eat a variety of foods. Supplements can be helpful, but often food sources have substances that work with the anti-cancer substance in order to better eliminate any potential side effects. Your diet can also help you better manage your reaction to chemotherapy or radiation, or even mesothelioma treatment side effects. Fiber, for example, can help prevent the constipation that is a common side effect of certain cancer treatments. Good nutrition also prevents secondary cancer risks.

Avocados
Avocados are a great source of glutathione, a strong antioxidant that works by attacking free radicals and preventing the digestion of certain fats. They also provide a higher amount of potassium and beta-carotene than bananas. New research suggests that avocados can help treat viral hepatitis, which can cause liver cancer.

Broccoli
Broccoli contains a chemical compound that fights breast cancer by transforming a cancer-causing hormone into a more beneficial form. Broccoli contains sulforaphane, which is thought to help prevent some cancers, like rectal and colon cancer. Sulforaphane promotes the manufacture of enzymes that neutralize harmful carcinogens and free radicals.

More bitter types of broccoli have higher amounts of sulforaphane. The amount can vary by as much as 30 times, so shop carefully.

Garlic
Garlic includes allium chemicals that enhance the immune system, boost immune activity of cancer-fighting cells, and help eliminate carcinogens. Substances found in garlic help keep carcinogens from attacking cells, slowing the development of tumors. One ingredient in garlic oil, diallyl sulfide, has been found to neutralize carcinogens in the liver. Studies also found that garlic reduces the risk of developing colon and stomach cancer.

Raspberries
Raspberries may help guard against cancer through antioxidants- substances that neutralize free radical damage. Black raspberries can decrease the incidence of esophageal tumors by as much as 62 percent and help prevent colon cancer.

Tomatoes
Tomatoes have an antioxidant called lycopene that can help control free radical damage. They also contain vitamin C, a potent antioxidant. Note that tomatoes produce more lycopene when the weather is hotter. Carrots, red peppers, and watermelons also have these antioxidants, but in much smaller amounts.

Jillian Mckee

Berry Delicious Smoothie

Oh where, oh where have I been? Well here's a secret; I don't like cooking in the summer because it's too fucking hot in Sherman Oaks to do anything besides lay in bed with the air conditioning on full blast while downing a glass of cold white wine. But this recipe requires no cooking, and it's cold and refreshing and super duper healthy. You'll get your fruit intake, your calcium intake, and your delicious intake for the day. I make this recipe super thick because I like to eat it with a spoon. There's something about drinking a meal that seems sacrilegious to me- I can drink a snack or something, but not a meal. So if I make it thick enough to eat with a spoon, it makes me feel better about myself as a human being. So eat it, or drink it if you're 'that type of person'.

Berry Delicious Smoothie

1/3 cup frozen blueberries

1/3 cup frozen raspberries

1/3 cup frozen mango

1/3 cup almond milk (or regular milk or soy)

4 oz low fat greek yogurt

Blend together- top with 1/3 cup chopped walnuts, and go off.

"BLAT" sandwich

I know you haven't heard from me in awhile. I'm sorry, 11 followers. I will try and not disappoint you anymore. I've been really busy drinking instead of cooking. Anyways, this is a very simple, but very fucking tasty recipe. I love it. A lot. I actually went to make it for lunch today and when I opened the freezer, realized I was out of morning star 'bacon' and said "fuck" out loud in my kitchen alone. I came to the conclusion my day was ruined. It's that good. It's really easy, and I use a few different spreads to change it up once in awhile. It's important for you to change things up in your life. You're welcome for that advice. Please deposit $50 into my paypal account.

And now- for the sandwich components.

Two slices of good, thick whole wheat bread, toasted (by the way- if you're ever at a farmer's market that sells bread from the Rustic Loaf, buy it. Then kiss me)

1 heirloom tomato, sliced

2 pieces of morning star 'bacon', cooked in a skillet

3 slices butter lettuce

1/2 avocado, sliced

mayonnaise, 1 tbls

dijon mustard, 1 tbls

salt and pepper

Toast the bread, then spread mayo and mustard on nice and thick. Put the avocado slices on and squish them into the bread a little, on the other half of the bread, add the lettuce. Top with the tomato slices and bacon, then sprinkle with a little salt and pepper. Close it up, slice it, and wish you made 5 more.

If you want to make it a little extra special- you can add basil mayo and skip the mustard. For basil mayo, take 2 tbls mayo, three basil leaves, salt and pepper. mix in a blender and spread on the sandwich. Then lick the knife. Don't cut your tongue. You're welcome for that advice also. That will be another $50.

Now eat!

Brandy's Awesome Veggie Tacos

This is the first recipe I personally came up with. That's right, I created this. Yep, feeling pretty good about myself. When I became a vegetarian, I was trying to broaden my food horizons and eat something other than Trader Joe's cream of tomato soup and a grilled cheese. One night I was craving tacos and guacamole, so I looked in my fridge and saw zucchini, red bell peppers, onions, and then I found black beans in my pantry. I've perfected this recipe over the years and eat them once a week. They pair great with guacamole and beer.

On a side note; I'm on a 3 day juice cleanse right now through my friend Jill Latham's juicing business "Vibrant Earth", and today is the first day. While I completely trust Jill and know that on the 3rd day my skin will be glowing and my body will be cleansed of all the toxins, I have to say, I want a fucking sandwich. It's not even really that I'm hungry, because this cleanse has 6 juices in one day and they are actually pretty filling. It's just that I miss food. I miss it so much. I realize through this cleanse that one of the things I miss the most is cooking. I miss preparing food, I miss shopping for food, and I miss snacking while I shop and cook food. I am literally fantasizing about eating food. Like, right now, all I want to do is eat the block of cheese with the half a loaf of french bread I have in my kitchen while drinking wine and making a huge bowl of pasta.

So, while I cannot eat this myself, you can. And I hate you for it. So please, make this. Send me a picture of you eating it. Then come over and food rape me with them and I'll have no choice in the matter. Thanks.

Roasted Veggie Tacos

Serves 2 (I eat both servings. Deal with it)

1 red bell pepper, sliced into strips

1/2 cup corn, fresh or frozen

2 small zucchini, diced

1/2 red onion, sliced

2 tbls evoo

1 can black or pinto beans

4 small flour or corn tortillas

3 tbls cumin, divided

1 tsp cayenne pepper

1 tsp chili powder

1 bay leaf

salt and pepper

cilantro

guacamole (recipe follows)

Pre-heat the oven to 450. Put the veggies on a baking sheet and toss with evoo, 2 tbls cumin, cayenne pepper, chili powder, and salt and pepper. Roast for 12 minutes, then flip the veggies and roast for another 10. I like my veggies pretty well done, so use your own judgement. While the veggies are roasting, add the black or pinto beans with their juices into a pot. Add 1 tbls cumin, salt, pepper and the bay leaf and let simmer. Over the open flame on an oven burner, char the tortillas and then wrap them in a clean dishtowel so they stay nice and toasty. To assemble the tacos, put a layer of beans on the tortillas, then a layer of veggies, then cilantro, cheese or sour cream, a thin layer of guacamole, then top with cilantro. I am so jealous/deliriously hungry right now. Give me your food!

Guacamole

3 ripe avocados

1 jalapeno, seeded and minced

1/4 red onion, chopped fine

cilantro, as much as you like

2 limes

1/2 tomato, seeded and chopped

garlic salt- I wish I knew how much I use, but it's by taste. My guess is 2 tbls?

Pepper to taste

In a large bowl, smash the avocados. Add in the rest of the ingredients and stir together until nice and creamy and a little chunky. It's amazing. You're welcome.

Now, can you please bring me a fucking sandwich?